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The $10 Million Dollar Millennium Bra: The Ultimate
Fantasy Gift from By Jerry Zezima |
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By Jerry Zezima My greatest holiday shopping experience
occurred last year, when I went to the bank to apply for a loan so I could
buy my wife the $10 million Millennium Bra from I couldn't help noticing this glittering
garment because I get approximately 17 Becky Finn, the aforementioned underwear
honcho, has even arranged for me to attend a couple of At the end of the show, I buttonholed
Ingrid, the model who was wearing the item in the catalog, and asked if I
could order one. "Sure!" she chirped. "But
not with me. Would you like an autograph?" What could I say? "Make it out to
my wife," I requested. Ingrid took my pen and, over the picture
of her in the sleeveless tank with the retro point collar, wrote: "Buy
it. Ingrid." It was then that I learned So I knew the moment I saw supermodel
Heidi Klum sporting the Millennium Bra on the cover of the Christmas Dreams
and Fantasies catalog that I would have to shell out the full asking price. And I knew it was worth every penny. As
it said on page 3 of the catalog, next to another picture of Heidi in her
cups: "The $10 Million Millennium Bra: The ultimate gift to celebrate
the beginning of the century. Our satin demi bra and panty are encrusted with
over 2,000 exquisite diamonds and diamond-cut sapphires, all of the finest
cut and quality, and all showcased in platinum star settings. One strap
glitters '2000' in diamond-set platinum; the other is a simple strand of
diamonds. This ultimate fantasy gift: $10,000,000." This got me thinking: Is the price the
same for everyone? If not, how much would Dolly Parton have to pay? To
justify the cost, would a woman have to risk catching cold or even being
arrested by walking around with her brassiere showing? How would you clean
it? And what about having it appraised? Would a woman have to go to a
jeweler, rip open her blouse and ask: "How much are these worth?" But the most important question was:
Would my bank loan me $10 million to buy a bra? To find out, I went to the nearest
branch office with the "People come in to get loans for
cars, houses, college, medical bills — sometimes the medical bills are for
things that would go into a bra, if you know what I mean — but I've never had
anyone come in for a loan to buy a bra," Joanne said. She said I could apply for one of two
kinds of loans: a secured loan or a personal loan. "A secured loan means you already
have the money in the bank," Joanne said. "Do you have $10
million?" "No," I admitted. "If I
did, I wouldn't need a loan." "A personal loan," she
explained, "means you have no collateral. You would have to provide
three years of financial statements to show what you're worth." "Scientifically speaking," I
said, "I'm worth about $1.98." "In order to get a loan for $10
million," Joanne said, "you'd have to be worth $100 million." "Does this mean I don't
qualify?" I asked. "Not even close," said Joanne. Just out of curiosity, I asked Joanne if
she would wear the Millennium Bra. "No," she said, flatly. "My
birthday suit is free. Why should I spend $10 million on a bra?" "Suppose your husband wanted to buy
it for you," I said. "He doesn't have the money," Joanne
replied. "And I wouldn't give him a loan." But she did give me some valuable
financial advice. She started thumbing through my catalog. "I'm sure you
could find something in here for under a million bucks," said Joanne,
who opened to page 61. There stood Heidi Klum in a silver chemise ($25) and a
lace-trimmed, knee-length matching wrap ($35). "You don't have to have a body like
hers to wear something like that," Joanne said. "It's classy. And
it's very inexpensive. Throw in some moisturizer and you're in for under
$100. The rest you can give to charity." I thanked Joanne and told her I had
decided to forget about the Millennium Bra and instead get my wife a flannel
nightgown. "And a pair of fuzzy
slippers," Joanne added with a wink. "Women love them." After all, she agreed, it's the thought
that counts. |
